This assignment required us to draw a conclusion about the relationship between identity and personal choice, based on our personal experiences. Our writing was to focus on analysis, or the relationship between two qualities.
My original submission of this essay had a broad thesis. The analysis didn’t always support the main argument and some ideas were underdeveloped. There were some weak transitions, and I tended to narrate more than provide evidence which would have proven my point. I learned that floating quotes are not a good thing. I had some punctuation issues with titles of essays and the television show.
I demonstrated good use of MLA formatting and citing of quotes, and I expressed some good ideas and insights.
This paper was in need of considerable revision. I narrowed the thesis down to a more manageable argument which made it easier for me to link my paragraphs to the main idea. I changed the title to be more reflective of the assignment. I tethered the floating quote to my own thought like this: “Queen Latifah’s quote, “Life will put you through plenty of tests and throw many obstacles your way, but it’s how you pass those tests, how you overcome those obstacles, that distinguishes you as a queen” (35) really rang true for me. Looking back through the years I can see how those events of my childhood have contributed to the development of my identity.” I expanded my analysis on a few of the underdeveloped ideas. I worked to improve the transition in the paragraph about the frogs in Donald Trump’s parable. In the paragraph about inner drive, I revised my topic sentence to better connect with my assumption about choices and identity to say, “Inner drive gives a person the control to make the best personal choices for him- or herself; in this way, inner drive is a contributing factor in a person’s identity.” I revised the conclusion to better tie in to the thesis.
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